where does happiness live?
Monday, Oct. 18, 2004 @ 5:45 p.m.

bought a plant and named it charlie. it grows in lava rock and i have to water it with a pre-measured plastic cup once a week. and happiness, that lives in a tiny orchid. all this and more, closer than you'd think.

i want to makebelieve tonight. i want to imagine my life as a perfect series of events. where i never lose anyone, with veto power over every preemptive strike, and where my conversations with my shoes don't end in silence. you'd be given boundless energy and a halfhearted melancholy smile: a short cry from a cheshire grin. my mood as a will to determine the colour of your shirt.

i couldn't create this fantasy. the pain of counting wasted hours already threatens to tear me out of sanity.

and prior to the meantime, in the wake of the perfect imaginary formulation i never came to conceive, here i am. becoming emotionally nomadic to compensate for my displeasure with my this and now. do you know what compels a person to behave the way they do? no one thing. no single factor for any single complication.

maybe that's bullshit. we're ants.

with brilliant imaginations.