i take it back.
Sunday, Jul. 30, 2006 @ 10:49 a.m.

this town is devoid of people our age who don't marry their cousins and then cheat on them with their sisters. and so, we have no friends in a fifty-mile radius. or rather, no friends who aren't constantly insisting that we make babies and buy into rrsp's because it was the best thing they ever did ten years ago when they were forty.

on thursday we went to hamilton and i had the unmistakable feeling that i had unfinished business there. a terrible sensation which at first i attributed to regret that i didn't graduate, but by the time we left i knew existed solely to remind me of the friends i left behind. as always.

every time i move, i sever all ties. and i'm becoming accustomed to having unfinished business when i return to anywhere i've been. accustomed to, but not comfortable with.

i once wrote that hamilton would be well served to burn to ash, going so far as to imply that everyone there would be better off remaining while it did. and i meant it, in the most selfish way imaginable: so that i, myself, could never return. because i wanted to avoid feeling like i was still haunted by my mistakes.

with apologies for my selfishness and a single disclaimer (that i still feel as though the university doesn't do all it can for its city), i would like to take it back.

unfortunately i can't take back my friends or my foiled experiences or the missed opportunity for a higher education. and even more unfortunately the grass was greener here after all, because everyone in the neighborhood exists solely to care for their lawn.

we have a lawn and we do our part to keep it as green as possible (green, here, used as a play on words) but tending it is certainly not our most important activity and having one is not our most appealing attribute.

personally, i would prefer a spine. or failing that, to have everyone understand my apology without actually having to hear me say it.