one girls' trash...
Monday, Feb. 27, 2006 @ 11:38 p.m.

the internet equivalent of digging through a dumpster?

last night i signed into msn. in itself this may seem insignificant, but i don't like to spoil my internet experience in msnication. online chat is more involved than using the phone, relies heavily on inferences and breeds grammatical disasters. not to mention the harm that can be done by webcams, or the perverts and posers who would be revealed in their use.

ironically, what i enjoy about most about this particular messenger service is precisely what i hate most: it provides a perfect screen behind which a snooper can loom undetected. i would be angry to learn someone i've deleted had gone through my profile...a profile i made for and with my friends. but i would stay home from a picnic if it meant i could spend my day snooping through the profiles of people who have deleted me. on almost all occasions i am rewarded with at least one drunken photo or embarassing home address. something that reveals the lifestyle of someone i abhor, as dismal. the worse for them, the better for me.

so last night i signed in (as usual, as 'appear offline') and clicked on the profile of my ex-roommate. it hadn't occurred to me to do it sooner, because kirsty had never had a profile before...and even if she had, i would have thought it full of shirley manson photos and void of telltale blogs.

insomuchas this, i was disappointed.

be doubtful that there is anyone i have so despised (so completely unfairly) that i wished them harm above the harm i wished on kirsty. it was, at one very distinct point, my sincere and dire hope that she finish school and accomplish the very object of her heart's desire, because that desire was to move to a far off land and live alone in a hut until she died. a fitting punishment, i had thought, for all the nights she kept us up having wild and noisy sex with her scruffy boyfriend, or for only liking bands because nobody else had heard of them (aside from garbage and u2) and insisting on their continual play, or for unconsentually using my pillows to prop up her ass when she twisted her knee by dancing too hardcore. the karma police had got to be onto her, and a dank hut would be in her future for sure.

but according to the subjective authority that is the world wide web, she is not reaping the benefits of our joint wish. she didn't even dump the scruffy boyfriend -- he got a haircut and bought some polo shirts. they moved to hay river, in the elusive and beautiful northwest territories and live in a green apartment with a cat. she vacationed in france last year and hitchhiked across hawaii this year. she'll be a nurse soon. there are no dirty pictures on her profile. she is not living in her parents' basement, and furthermore...

kirsty's happy.

fuck it. how isn't that my whimsical life, my intriguing photo album? and if she's not getting what's coming to her, then was i was wrong to assume she deserved anything less than what she's got? is that true? isn't she an awful person?

i am inclined to doubt that she is. she's probably a good person and it was a bad situation. so tonight yielded a fruitful search from one perspective: i remain stunned by the sheer awesomeness of kirsty's new life. mine can only aspire to pale in comparison.

unfortunately, these revelations require me to pose a difficult question:

if after spending the night digging through the internet's dumpster, it ends up that kirsty has treasure...

whose trash have i got?