unresolved resolution
Friday, Jan. 04, 2013 @ 1:17 a.m.

Going, going. Never gone.

I know where my home is, and it isn't here. It's not in Edmonton, and it's not the house that I sold and it's not in the Yukon where I had once hoped to live out the majority of adulthood. It's not in my heart or my head. It's tangible. Living, breathing. Sleeping. If I could cling to it every moment I would, but instead I've clung to my keyboard. A far worse companion, but better than the ones currently available to me. Much nearer and only slightly colder.

There are more difficult obstacles now that all of the moving pieces are falling effortlessly into place: childcare/housing/money, easy/easy/easy. Dodging questions and finding safe answers to the ones I can't; juggling priorities and weighing possible outcomes and trying to avoid being selfish when everyone's happiness is in the balance; letting my friends squander opportunities as my own urgent resolutions go up in flame and smoke and ash; not staying up late enough, but being awake too long. I'm running this gauntlet in the dark with shadows that keep changing. The obstacles are coming fast. I never crack under pressure, but I can't think my way out of this -- I'm barely coping and still haven't committed.

Wondering if I'm becoming the kind of girl who expects someone else to commit for me.

Worrying that forty-nine percent over five years is a mathematical equation that has rendered me complacent.

Wanting all of something, even if that something is nothing.

Having a hard time sleeping and eating.