not to resolve
Saturday, Dec. 30, 2006 @ 11:26 p.m.

it's resolution day tomorrow! i might have resolved to imagine more, or see more or be more, and it would have been alright because i didn't do any of them last year and they were all very convincing resolutions. (i was personally convinced for almost three days.) i must, instead, admit to being more of a wisher and a hoper than a resolver, or a mover or a shaker...or anything else of that nature. i've found it neither better (for lack of comparison) nor worse (for lack of examination) to be so, and have decided as a result (and as much as possible) that this year is the year that something must change on new year's eve.

bryan goes to bed early every night and wakes up with the sun each morning and he accomplishes things at breakneck speed. he is currently asleep, although i would prefer to imagine that he is only shutting his eyes to prepare mentally for the day ahead. and while he, my not-actually-sleeping companion, hurtles headfirst into each new day with both a will and a way, i more or less* roll out of bed at noon (*sometimes i fall instead) and watch kim possible and british property shows until i have to go to work. he has more than one plan at a time, works very hard to accomplish his goals and constantly reaps the rewards and benefits of his resolve. he does not wait until a new year, never mentions a fresh start and pays all of the bills on time. i allow myself to play the role of his wishful and unhandy sidekick, and openly admit my inability to even make a phonecall without preparing, psychologically, for several days in advance--hoping against hope that he decides to like me anyway.

you may wonder if i resolved to wake up early and make a plan and set about it, would it make a difference? i wondered the same for a while before i discovered that to resolve such a thing, i would have to make and keep a resolution...which has proven impossible for me and is, in all probability, exactly contrary to my nature.

tomorrow is resolution day but for a change i have decided to do what's most appropriate and not resolve in any way. it lies completely within my capability. upon further contemplation it also occurs to me that i've never met anyone worth knowing in the morning.

that has to account for something.