anytime you need to talk, let me know
Monday, Nov. 17, 2003 @ 2:39 p.m.

When people tell you you can come to them with anything, there's an inherent desperation factor. It's always "You can come to me if there's a problem, or "You can come to me if you need to talk." Not really anytime. Not exactly whenever. Definitely only if it's something bearing great importance on your life.

And I have nothing important to say. No terrible disasters have befallen me. I'd love to talk but I know that it would end in your disappointment and my heartwrenching feeling of uselessness. If all I want is to chat, I'll feel like I cheated you into listening by saying I want to take you up on your offer of open ears and nodding. You'll be waiting for me to drop a bomb as I struggle to engage you in basic conversation. What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing's wrong. But there's also nobody to talk to about the things that are right, everyday, and for no reason.

My kitten is becoming a very good listener. He purrs and blinks at me in knowing manner. But dear god do I struggle in my search for proximal human companionship. And Ryan...Ryan is getting better every day. Although despite his high oxytosin levels and sympathetic demeanor...i've been spoiled in the past by some friends who were very good at listening, and i'll always wish i could have them back. Not because something's the matter, but because nothing's the matter at all, and things are wonderful.