sad songs remind me of friends
Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 @ 9:30 p.m.

i did things i can't forgive. i promised i wouldn't think about them anymore. if i'd only promised me, it would have been an easy lie. i broke it anyway. apple and cheese pie, turning water bottles upside down, church hopping, a long morning on a bridge, a laptop stereo buzzing treble static...time and talk.

for a moment before it fell on the flames, bliss. but i set it all on fire and scarred my soul so deeply i was certain that i'd never be the same. i outdid your red wine and sleeping pills. i burned myself with the bridges so that i could never come back.

but while i was gone you returned. in my thoughts, and everyday. and i can't escape.

i didn't know how i could ever live with someone who always--always--wanted to die. and i was sure that nothing could hurt me more than when you hurt yourself.

until i discovered that i had sacrificed the best with the worst. until i found that, exactly as i had asked you to, you had left me.

so that just as much as you were there, you were gone.

i should have been more careful what i wished for.