www.christopherson4mayor.com
Wednesday, Jun. 18, 2003 @ 3:37 a.m.

Tonight I served hors d'oeuvres to a group of five hundred at a reception for David Christopherson, a candidate for mayor in our city this term. And may I just say that it was the most deliciously pathetic political speech that has yet left a sense of bitter distaste in my earlobes. I do sense taste with my earlobes.

I will quote him, because as we all [me] know, I strive for literary accuracy. Of course, for legal reasons I would like to point out that this is all I can remember of what he said, and would be happy to edit it if I was somehow given the exact phrasing. Then again, the guy who writes for him probably wants to burn it...on account of the shame. However, as I feel I am not neglecting anything he said within this part of it, and at worst have fixed his grammar rather than changing his message--and even left out a few of the colloquialisms--there shouldn't be a problem. That should cover my ass in a pinch, so here goes.

"I would like to tell you how dedicated I am to raising the standard of life in Hamilton." [clapping] "Our city has a reputation for being a place rampant with unnecessary unemployment...or rather...er...homelessness." *chuckles*[clapping] "The number of homeless persons in our city is alarming. However, the homeless are not the proof in themselves that the standard of life in our city needs to be raised. Every man, woman and child, upon seeing them in the streets, is subject to a lower standard of living. I personally feel it's important to the city--and integral to our citizens--that the administration aim for a higher standard of living." [clapping] "This would not only be refreshing to those constituents currently living in the area, but would attract productive and economically stable businesses and persons to the city of Hamilton...including myself and more importantly--you." [wild applause}

Also, his campaign guests ate so many cocktail weenies we were barely able to break even on the conference, which could be symbolic?

In response to this, I grabbed my pail of sidewalk chalk and did my part to further lower the standard of living by defacing the streets with inspirational quotes, like "eat your veggies!" and "one foot in front of the other!". Then, as the night wore on, i slipped into sloppy happy faces. And for once, I didn't care about using cliches. You see, to appeal to masses of people who cheer wildly over idiotic political drivel, it's true that you sometimes have to use that sort of language.